I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
