Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'd cum for enchiladas.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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