My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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