the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize