My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just high enough for therapy.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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