Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
