I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
