You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
