so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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