so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
