I met the friendliest cop last night
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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