Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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