happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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