Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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