i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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