I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
