I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
