you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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