Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
