just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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