instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
