and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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