We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
