the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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