you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
