We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
