there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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