i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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