this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Come share oat with me in your robe
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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