it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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