Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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