I think i sorta joined a cult last night
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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