Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
