Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
