i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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