Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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