now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
