I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
