wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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