The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
