break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
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