You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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