i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
