I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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