Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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