My hair reeks of homosexuality.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
