I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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