I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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