Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
