So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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