I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Is that strawberry winking at me??
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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