What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
