you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
