shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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