y did u give ur computer a hand job?
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Randomize
