I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
