Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
True strength comes from lack of pants
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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