i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
